I recently watched a few clips of George Carlin’s standup, and he had this bit about certain types of people that ought to be killed. While I don’t condone violence (unless I’m about to grab the last double chocolate chocolate chip cookie and I see your grimy hands heading for it), it was funny, and it got me thinking.
In Carlin-inspired fashion, I’ve decided to create my own list of ten types of people that I, personally, do not enjoy. Do these people deserve death? Absolutely not. They deserve something even worse: to be denied the sweet, delicious joys of buttery, carby, side dishes.
Let’s get right to it.
Kaitlyn’s List of People Who Ought To Be Denied Seconds at Thanksgiving
- People who don’t drink the remaining milk from their bowl of cereal. YOU MAKE MY LIFE HELL. Do you not care about waste? Do you not want the sugary goodness that’s fallen off of your peanut butter Puffins to be IN YOUR MOUTH? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU’RE A HEATHEN.
- People who don’t understand etiquette of any kind. Including, but not limited to: respecting personal space, taking up the entire sidewalk during your Sunday morning stroll with the girls, men who grunt excessively at the gym, talking during a movie, getting into political arguments on the comments section of your local news station’s Facebook page, not holding the elevator door WHEN YOU SEE ME WALKING TOWARDS IT, trying to parallel park during rush hour but failing 10x over, using your cell phone when you’re out at dinner, petting the dog without asking, talking to me without asking (lol jk not rly), and last, but certainly not least, waving me down in a mall to try and sell me eyebrow threading when my eyebrows are ALREADY PERFECT.
- People who mumble. Maybe this is just the actor in me and the years of voice coaches and directors yelling, “ANNUNCIATE! DICTION!” at both me and my classmates, but mumbling is Satan-speak, and I will not have it. I CANNOT HEAR YOU. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO ME?
- People who start sentences with “words can’t describe,” but somehow find the words to write a five-point paragraph on their bestie for Nat’l BFF Day. If words can’t describe, then you don’t have the words to describe. It isn’t a selfless introductory to your research paper on how your college roommate was always there for you to hold back your hair when you vomited into the dorm toilet that accompanies a picture of the two of you sporting a duck face, skinny arm, and a peace sign wearing fringe at a music festival.
- People who pay with checks at the grocery store. You need to get on that debit card life or you need to get out of here. I have copious amounts of gelato in my shopping cart, and because of you, it’s slightly more room temperature than I would like, and now when I put it back into the freezer when I get home, the lid will freeze onto the pint, and it will be difficult to open, causing me to become stressed and eat more ice cream, thus resulting in my pants not fitting properly. YOU are the reason why my jeans feel tight.
- People who don’t BTOB at a BYOB event. You mean to tell me that you’re going to attend a Bring Your Own Bottle event and not bring your own bottle but expect to drink from someone else’s bottle? Nah.
- People who don’t need to eat gluten-free that eat gluten-free. Since when it is cool to have a food allergy or sensitivity? As someone who speaks for the ENTIRE population of people with sensitivities (just kidding, I don’t), but as someone who has food sensitivities, it is an awful way to live. For me, it’s a hinderance not being able to enjoy cheesy pizza with marinara sauce, multiple steins of beer, or even fried food. Sometimes apples make me feel awful. It’s horrible. So when you roll up in here not eating gluten and causing a fuss at a restaurant or dinner party, I want nothing more than to shove a gluten-laden piece of bread down your gullet and watch you not writhe in pain, because YOU DON’T HAVE A SENSITIVITY. You’re just complicated and probably do a lot of juice cleanses and drink water from a box.
- People who call their pets “fur babies.” I’m sorry, but what? FUR BABIES? Just say you have a dog or a cat or a chinchilla. Unless you birthed a baby completely covered in fur, you do not have a fur baby. You have a pet that has fur. Also, fur babies sounds like a euphemism for a year’s worth of dust bunnies living under your entertainment center. SWEEP. SWEEP THAT UP.
- People who post only selfies on Instagram. Cursed are the people whose feeds are comprised solely of their bronzer-laden faces from various angles and nothing more. Maybe I’d like to see more of your world, Tanya, because Lord knows we all have every hair on your eyebrow memorized by now.
- People who say “no thanks” to birthday cake. You monster.
I’ll end this post with a quote from Mr. Carlin himself in an effort to bring this post full-circle and to also save my ass from power-walking, fake gluten-intolerant moms who might find their way to this post:
“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find where the line is drawn
and cross it deliberately.”
P.S. One time, my family hosted some “friends” for Thanksgiving. My Uncle made smoked brisket for the occasion, which was delicious. These “friends” made themselves at home and had a meal with us, which was expected and encouraged. It was the day of thanks after all. It wasn’t until they went back for seconds and thirds and fourths of this smoked brisket that the tides began to turn. They ate themselves into a stupor, eating far more than their feeble stomachs could handle, even expressing on occasion, “I am so full!” But they continued to eat and eat and eat until they fell asleep on our sofas. They would have made this list, but they deserve even more than a mere bullet point.
So I dedicate this blog post to them. This entire blog post. Friends, if you’re reading, you owe my family ten pounds of low and slow-smoked brisket so we can finally have the leftovers we so deserve.