Before you write me off completely because of the title of my post, let me just remind you of a) how funny I am, b) how I often make good points, and c) I like carbs and you like carbs which means we’re bffs by proxy.
The other night, I decided to turn on this device in my house called a television. It’s been awhile. For about a year or so, I didn’t have cable, and while I thought I would absolutely DiEeE*~ without cable TV, it was in that year that I REALLY LIVED. Not really, I mourned the loss of the Food Network, but, ultimately, I turned out fine. Thank God for Yahoo! news, otherwise I wouldn’t have known Paula Deen got thrown in the chokey for using a bad word. And, I mean, I desperately need to keep my ever-so-intense connection with her, even through my times of woe.
I was passing up the usual TV b.s. Hoarders. Man v. Wild. Some stupid crap about bimbos in New Jersey.
*Side note: I saw none of these shows on the TV Menu. I’m recalling them from my memory from year’s past when I had TV. Counting blades of grass and learning to make my own toilet paper from wood made for good pasttimes while I was unable to drown myself in the stupidity that is reality TV.
After almost settling on a rerun of Chopped, I discovered something else instead, and, to be honest with you, I’m both insanely giddy and really pissed off about it at the EXACT SAME TIME.
I bring you…
Breaking Dawn: Part I.
Can we take a moment and appreciate this picture for a second? I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. All I’m certain of is that I appreciate it. I mean, Edward, nice slacks. Werewolves, nice teeth.
When I saw that this movie was coming on, I nearly jumped out of my skin. I was scared, you guys. I knew I would watch it and then ask myself why I wasted 2 1/2 hours of my life. But I have will power. I am strong. I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR.
… I watched it. I. Watched. It. ALL. I will say that I closed my eyes during the creepy sex scenes, because I still associate myself with the awkward highschooler who discovered Twilight, and those 16-year-old eyes need not see vampire bum. Or like, Kristen Stewart’s face, ever. *dramatic eyeroll*
You see, I read the books in highschool (I actually ditched class a few times so I wouldn’t have to stop reading them, but I don’t want anyone to know that, so keep yer mouth shut), and I saw the first three movies, but, after all of these years, I have never seen the final film. I think it’s because I secretly knew better, and I’d like to think that I still do. But, hey, you live and you learn.
I was glued to the television. For 2 1/2 hours.
The acting killed me. I am literally dead right now. The werewolves made me laugh. And the mutant demon baby made me pray for forgiveness. All in all, successful evening.
Truthfully, it was kind of fun trailing back in time and re-living some of my old fascinations. I’m a sucker for vampires. I blame my mom for letting me watch Interview With the Vampire when I was like, 2. And I’m a girl, so I always enjoy a good old-fashioned love story. Mash those two together and give this lady a bottle of wine (or anything, for that matter), and we’ve got a party!
So, now I’ll present you with my reasons why Twilight really isn’t that bad:
1) Keanu Reeves is nowhere to be found in any of these films. I just feel the strong need to inform you all of that.
2) It’s a story about love and how important it is to hold on tight to it, even if that means lying to your lovely father while trying not to suck him dry (of blood, not money)
2.5) For what it’s worth, I love you, Charlie
3) The cast makes fun of it, so that makes us (the audience) feel less guilty for laughing their human bums off at the fake baby in Part II.
4) It’s over. It needed to be said.
5) The soundtrack is really good. Seriously, check that out like, now.
6) The people are pretty. I always thought I wanted to be a blonde, but like, now I totally want red eyeballs to match my pale skin and super long dark hair.
7) It’s cute. Despite the beheadings, REALLY lame dialogue, and absolutely horrible storyline, the film is, well… it’s cute.
8) It helps you to remember that Dakota Fanning exists. PRAISE BE TO GOD, SHE’S ALIVE
9) You automatically feel better about that weird thing you do with your eyes/how sometimes you’re socially awkward/how you look like a drunk giraffe when you run when “KStew” pops up onscreen, because she sucks at everything, therefore is inferior to you and has a nickname that sounds like a dish from Picadilly.
10) It shows an excellent display of what family means and how important sacrifice is.
11) It reminds you of your younger years, and sometimes it’s not so bad reflecting on who you were.
12) It makes you feel things (heartburn, mostly), but sometimes too many things which result in sappy points like #11.
All in all, it’s really NOT SO BAD. I mean, it could be much worse. Edward could’ve been played by Channing Tatum and Cameron Diaz could’ve made an appearance in there somewhere. Probably the bitchy wolf cousin-sister if she were, ya know, a Native American.
Alright! Talk to y’all soon. I’m off to go work on my headstands for Wednesday’s yoga (more on this later) and my high jumps, just in case I have to fight a clan of cloaked peeps in the Yukon one day.